All columnist are not alike. Some have thousands of readers from far and away. I have four. Three of them actually reside in Nova Scotia. The fourth is a certain Mrs. Helen MacAulay of 51 Churchill Crescent, Kirkcaldy , Scotland. Mrs. MacAuley, aged 81, informs me that she stumbled onto one of my stories after searching for a knitting pattern for a scarf she intends to make for a certain Mr. Leopold Daglish, of 50 Churchill Crescent, Kirkcaldy, Scotland. It will be a lovely shade of blue, or so she claims. In any case, she wrote to me wondering what a ‘Truro’ was.

I, henceforth, decided to embark on a detailed and thorough study of all Nova Scotia place names and to catalogue them with meticulous care. The following is the first instalment of my findings. A copy of the document has been sent to the Nova Scotia Archives, where it can be perused at the reader’s leisure in case he or she has no wish to read on at this time.


Halifax: historians will try to tell you that the city was named after George Montague-Dunk, 2nd Earl of Halifax. They are lying through their teeth. The truth is somewhat more disturbing.
Sometime in 1734, a German taxidermist by the name of Jürgen Schmidt led an expedition to our province and climbed what is now Citadel Hill with his trusted friend Egon. While they were admiring the view, Jürgen received a fax from his wife, telling him that she couldn’t find the stuffed Herring that the Count of Thüringen had ordered. He handed the piece of paper to Egon with the words: “Halt die Fax” [ “hold the fax”, although in modern German the definite article would be replaced by “das”] , then disappeared.
Fifteen years later, Egon was still standing there when the British arrived. Politely they mentioned the lovely weather and asked him the name of the place. Egon, uni-lingual and slightly deaf, thought that he was being asked what in bloody hell he was doing there. His subsequent answer “halte die Fax” [I’m holding the fax] was later shortened to Halifax.

Truro: Gaelic for “ Place you drive by to get to New Brunswick”. As an aside, New Brunswick is actually gothic and stands for “Vast and bleak expanse you need to cross to get to Montreal”.

Bedford : this sleepy little suburb is located ten miles outside of Halifax. A century ago, it would take almost a whole day by horse to reach it . Nowadays, thanks to some massive improvements in transportation, it takes two hours longer .
Bedford, Latin for ‘Perpetual Traffic Jam” will shortly be renamed for its only attraction. On future maps look for “Pete’s Frootique” .

Sackville: derived from the Norman word for “Strip mall”.

New Germany: named after France.

Chester: this little town is the St. Tropez of Nova Scotia, minus the nice beaches, celebrities, and interesting places to visit. It is here that our rich – all seven of them – summer all winter dreaming that one day they might afford to put up a decent polo field. For now, they have to make due with a hockey rink and a couple of mules.

Ironically, the city’s name is derived from the Norman phrase for “could not afford Bermuda”. Some historians however argue that the name is Persian and means “Bling, Bling” .


Mahone Bay: The first thing anyone who enters the city from the North notices are the churches that stand side by side. First one passes the “Church of God”, then “The Church of the REAL God”, followed in quick succession by the “ The Real Church of the Real God” and finally “The Other three Churches are lying Bastards, for ours is the only – and we mean ONLY- way to God Church”.

As for the city’s name: it is an anagram of “One Ham”, its original name. The moniker stems from the 18th century, when Mahone Bay, lacking any horses, was referred to as a “one ham town”. In 1982 the city was renamed by jumbling its letters in a random fashion. It was also at that time, that its citizens suddenly realized they were living right next to the ocean and added the word ‘Bay’ to the name.


New Minas: received its name in 1971, when Old Minas was sold and shipped off to Albania in exchange for some cheese.

Windsor: Yiddish for “Nipple”.


This concludes the first part of our guide. A team of researchers is working on the second part, which will be released as soon as they can find their pen.