When the gods decided to create the most beautiful place on earth, they hemmed and hawed, argued a bit, passed a couple of motions , sent the whole thing back to committee, and finally, without delay, decided on Tuscany. Luckily, for us, there was a postal strike, and the Italians never got the message. The gods, in turn, had to settle for their second choice and created paradise on earth right here in Nova Scotia.

For anyone who has ever travelled around this province, their choice seems utterly logical. After all, we have lighthouses. Nothing on earth is as scenic as blinking towers, especially when they are flanked by hills that roll to and fro, and waves that follow suit. Throw in a couple of beaches, a slew of farms doing their best to look pastoral, add water and presto: you have what we Nova Scotians quite rightly label as “some nice place”.

It is no wonder, then, that, every spring, the powers to be are seized by an irresistible urge to let the rest of the world know what fun they are missing by failing to pop over for a quick visit. The great Ministry of Tourism springs into glorious action, sending out camera teams all over the province to sniff out every sandy dune, every golf course, and every building older than 50 years they can find. Whales get stalked like Angela Jolie at a nudist conference and Meat Cove’s five hotel rooms are filled with producers arguing which cliff to shoot from what angle this time around.

Once every bagpiper in a kilt has been filmed from every possible angle and the requisite number of sunsets is in the can, the furious editing begins. An exact golf course to historical monument ratio is established and long hours are spend weighing the pros and cons of including a shot of two kids and a father walking on a beach , instead of using the one of three kids, a dog and a mother looking really, really happy. As you can imagine, in weighty matters such as this, many tough decisions have to be made, but in the end, the good folks at our dear Ministry can be counted on to make advertising history.

This year has been no different. Once again, we Nova Scotians are delighted to have our favourite American programs interrupted by thirty second clips urging us to come and explore “our ocean playground” or something like that. I recently found myself swept away excitedly after viewing just such a spot. ‘What beauty”, I thought as I pressed the mute button, “What utter loveliness”. “We should really go check this place out”, I yelled to She Who Must be Worshipped and excitedly started to make plans to visit this extraordinary place. It was only when I looked out the window and realized that I was already there, that I once again settled down and continued to watch the rain on the weather channel.

This excitement can be excused, especially when viewed in light of the competition’s offering. Who, for example, can be taken in by Prince Edward Island’s childish propaganda, featuring whales, beaches but totally devoid of any lighthouses? Similarly, New Brunswick simply cannot compete, since it is obvious, even to an amateur, that their combination of beaches, golf courses and whales is distinctly second rate and in no way resemble our unique golf courses, whales and beaches. One wonders why they even bother putting such piffle, given their utter dearth of lighthouses.

Newfoundland, to be fair, poses a bit more of a threat. Their advertising department was in fine form this year, coming out with a stunning new strategy to differentiate themselves from the rest: more whales. By doubling the number of the shots of these great beasts , they seemingly have gone straight for the jugular. Controversially, they have skipped the whole beach motive completely, thereby negating decades of tradition and unwritten rules. More worrisome for us Nova Scotians is their inclusions of lighthouses. This clear incursion onto our turf will likely have to be appealed at some stage, lest it lead to some form of escalation.

Rumours are already running rampant, that next year Nova Scotia will up the ante. The talk is that some radical re-designs are in the works. Whale shots are to be tripled and not one second will go by in which some form of lighthouse is not in view. Some will even have it, that Nova Scotia will go for the kill: a continuous thirty second shot of whales swimming by a lighthouse, underneath which kids will frolic in 19th century costumes while playing the bagpipes and eating lobster. This should prove to the world, once and for all, that Nova Scotia is indeed the most beautiful place on the planet. May the gods help those who disagree.