Happy travelers are all alike; every unhappy traveler is unhappy it his own way. Take Odysseus, for example. It took him ten years to get home to his beloved Penelope, and although he had to endure this, that and the other, the real reason for his tardiness - according to recent research - is that he flew with CanJet.

Now, Homeric scholars amongst both my faithful readers might quibble, arguing that the ancient bard surely must have meant Air Canada. The translation is a bit contentious on that point and we must leave it to the academics to sort it out.



What becomes clear upon reading the old text, however, is that journeying outside of Nova Scotia is fraught with perils and difficulties and should only be undertaken if absolutely necessary . Had Odysseus, for example, chosen to relax on the shores of the Bay of Fundy instead of tangling with those pesky Trojans, he would have promptly come home to his wife, relaxed and freshly tanned.

Now, it would be a bit of a leap to compare myself to a Greek demi-god. For starters, I am not Greek, although I have eaten my fair share of Spanakopita . Secondly, I did not kill any of She-Who-Must-Be-Worshipped’s many suitors. True, I did scowl at a few from a distance and even went as far as putting the most persistant one on the Scientology mailing list, but I never raised a bow in anger at any of them.

Still, like our Greek hero, I made the foolish mistake of leaving the best province in the world (not counting Andalusia) . Although my journey was not as problematic as that of Odysseus, it never the less was interesting enough to give it the Homeric treatment. What follows is a synopsis of a few of the most pertinent chapters.


Chapter 1
Arrived at Halifax airport. When asked if it was I packed my own suitcase, I replied that no, it was my neighbour Abdul Zawarki al-Husseini who had, for some reason, volunteered to do so. But not to worry, I added, since I had known Abdul for almost a week now and that seemed like a very sound chap.


Chapter 2
Released from holding cell and stopped by the explosives squad on my way back to the airport. Why they decided to blow up my underwear along with the lobsters I bought for my in-laws remains a mystery. Things have been so tense here in Nova Scotia ever since they pulled Rita MacNeil’s TV show. Must remember to write to the CBC to see what can be done.


Chapter 3
Underwear shopping in Ottawa. Asked salesperson in Le Château if she had any tartan underpants made in Nova Scotia. Her blank stare made it clear to me that they hadn’t. Since I could not find anything, I was forced to dive into She–Who-Must-Be-Worshipped’s stash. My father in law looked slightly uncomfortable as he walked in on me while I was trying out one of her thongs. I don’t think he liked the colour.


Chapter 4
Ran into two fat and boring accountants who pestered me about coming to Nova Scotia. Told them that they would be welcome, but to remember that we always drive on the left. Don’t think that they will make it past Truro.


Chapter 5
Got bored at my sister’s wedding and decided to wander around and examine the church in more detail. Interesting place, but could not figure out why they placed urinals at every entrance. Must be an Ontario thing. Very convenient though.


Chapter 6
Noticed that gas was 5 cents cheaper in Toronto than in Halifax. Bought a can and filled it up to take back. Figured I saved myself at least 50 cents. Wonder if they will let me take it on the plane as carry-on.


Chapter 7
Had a long discussion about Nova Scotia separatism with a Somali Taxi driver. Told him that we wanted to separate from Peggy’s Cove, since it was always full of drowning Americans. He seemed to agree.


Chapter 8
Waited forever to board my plane at Pearson. Was in a miserable mood since they refused to let me check my can of cheap gas. My thong had also begun to chafe. Was furious about the delay and after we had taken off, I berated one of the flight attendants, telling her that I would never fly with CanJet again. She looked at me blankly, then informed me that I was actually sitting on an Olympic Airline Flight to Athens. I bet Odysseus must have run into the same problem, but am pretty sure that he did not have to sit through “Must Love Dogs”.


Chapter 9
Greece is not too bad. Still, I can’t find a Keith’s anywhere and definitely need to get new underwear soon. Am, therefore, planning on journeying home by ship. Should be there in roughly ten years. Wonder what my better half is doing ? Last I heard, a couple of chaps from her ballet class have been milling about in our living room. Wonder where I can buy a decent bow ?