Book of the Chronicle-Herald (Jackson, 1:1)

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Augustus Caesar Hamm that all Nova Scotians should be counted. When the census was completed, Caesar declared that there had been shrinkage and that henceforth the Quaestors of the land were to reward those who procreated the most.

When the news spread across the land, the people procreated far and wide. Except those in wedlock who  procreated only a bit. Still, they rejoiced and waited for the Quaestors to shower them with Gold, Myrrh and Pewter.

Yet Caesar was dissatisfied, for his instructions had been unclear. He decreed that his citizens shall multiply again, but this time without the Trojans.

Once more the Bluenosers followed his orders, except those who watched the Hockey game.

And Lo, nine moons on some saviours were born. T’were not enough wise men in the land to pay homage to them all, so politicians were enlisted to do the deed. All those who heard them were unimpressed.

And three Kings arrived from the East and were sent to a land called Guantanamo where they were interred forthwith.  

And an angel came down from heaven and invaded the airspace that was sovereign and was escorted back to whence he came by F16s sent by Caesar’s men. 

And Shepherds arrived to pay homage and ask for subsidies, for it had been a barren year.

Then came the time for the Quaestors to reward the people. They decreed the filling out of forms 1003 B, 102-C-2 , as well as form 54-2a (subsection 3c) in triplicate. All with child were also to transfer the amount from line 103 over to line 504 unless they were left-handed in which case the sum was to be transferred to their neighbour’s cousin’s form (schedule 5).

And the people were confused and stopped procreating except when they were filled with the unholy spirit, who went by the name of Moosehead.

It came to be pass that Augustus Caesar Hamm decreed another census, this time in the kingdom of Alberta. And lo, a miracle occurred for there he found a lost tribe of Nova Scotians whom he lead back to their ancestral lands with promises of call centres.

Upon their return, the shrinkage was stopped and a star appeared in the sky . T’was Sidney Crosby on his way back from the Kingdom of Pittsburgh. The people rejoiced and praised their saviour who walked on waters frozen. Amen.

Frank Streicher is a minor prophet (with a minor in art history) who once wanted to start his own religion, but chucked the whole idea when he found out about the amount of paper work involved. You can reach him at This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it