Happy New year, fellow Bluenosers. To start the year off, I thought that it might be time to get even with all the spammers from Nigeria. Hence, the following letter was sent to the head of the Nigerian Commonwealth Committee this very evening.

Dear General Dr. Yakubu Gowon,

It is with great delight that I received the news of your appointment as Head of the Nigerian Commonwealth Committee . It is not often the case that a former Dictator is given a second chance. Such a rebirth, if you permit me the flowery language, allows us all to hope that we, too, can start our lives anew and metamorphose into a better and brighter beings.

But I digress. First, let me introduce myself . My name is Franz Streicher and I work as the principal assistant to the Honourable Mr. Fred MacGillivray, the Chairman of Halifax’s Commonwealth Bid Committee for the 2014 Games . Please note, however, that I am not writing to you in any official capacity. Instead, this email is personal and its content is intended for your eyes only.

The reason for this secrecy will become apparent in a moment. My high ranking position within the committee has given me insights that I would like to share with you. First and foremost, I believe that Halifax has a very good chance at getting the Games unless something is done quickly . In a recent discussion with Mr. Bruce Robertson, who is, as you know, the Vice-President of the Commonwealth Games Federation, it has become clear that internal opposition in Glasgow, fuelled by the high costs associated with holding the event, will derail that city’s bid. Your country, on the other hand, is still seen as too politically unstable to pull off an event of such importance.

If Halifax were to withdraw its bid weeks before the 2007 announcements, however, I believe that Nigeria would stand a very good chance at becoming the host by default. It is my wish to make this happen.

Why betray my own cause, you might well ask? The answer is simple: I do not think that our city deserves the Games. As a fellow Christian, who has heard much about the national prayer meetings that you conduct on a regular basis, I am ashamed to state that Halifax is a city in which Satan is well on his way to victory. It is literally becoming a second Gomorrah .

For example, just last month a club in which patrons are allowed to ogle and  maul innocent, naked maidens was given permission to open. Furthermore, homosexuals are allowed to marry and to celebrate their deviance in bars all around our city. They even throw a parade during which they exalt in and advertise their sodomite lifestyle. Dear Dr. General, every night I kneel in prayer, asking God to end this madness and to deliver us from this Evil.

My Dear Dr. General, sometimes I wish we could follow the examples of your Northern Provinces and introduce stoning in this part of the world. It strikes me as an adequate and comfortingly Biblical form of punishment.

But I digress again. In order to convince my fellow Game Committee members to abandon Halifax’s bid, a certain incentive will be needed. To be specific, virtually every member of our delegation along with a majority of the City Councillors, the Mayor as well as selected members of our Provincial parliament will have to be offered a gift . The value of these gifts would have to vary according to the importance of the official, but rest assured that Nova Scotian Politicians are quite accustomed to receiving financial incentives and have acquired an almost innate sense of what is owed to them by those who seek their favour.

Naturally, the whole thing will not be cheap. The total amount of gifts needed would be in the range of US$ 2,000,000.00 give or take a few thousand dollars. Still, when compared to the great economic boon your country could stand to gain from holding the Commonwealth Games, I trust you agree that the amount is rather negligible.

It is understood, My Dear Dr. General, that this situation will have to handled rather delicately. If the local press were to get hold of our correspondence, the political situation in Nova Scotia would become quite chaotic, to say the least. It is even possible that after such a scandal  we would have to cede territorial control to our neighbouring Province of PEI. I trust, therefore, that you will handle this letter with the utmost of discretion.  

My Dear Dr. General, I sincerely hope that we can come to some kind of understanding. It is my greatest wish to see the citizens of Halifax punished for their immoral behaviour . At the same time, I believe it is only just that a pious nation such as yours should be rewarded by being allowed to hold these magnificent Games.

Dear Dr. General, I hope to hear from you soon. The details of the transactions shall be arranged later, if so desired. Maybe we can even meet discreetly when Mr. MacGillivray and I will be visiting your region in the near future.

I Wish You All the Best.

Your Friend in Halifax

Franz Streicher
Halifax Commonwealth Bid Committee Undersecretary

A note of explanation: General Dr. Yakubu Gowon was named Chairman of the Nigerian 2014 Commonwealth Bid Committee last November. Previously, General Gowon was best known for his tenure as the Dictator of Nigeria between 1966 and 1975. He himself was overthrown in 1975 after postponing the handover date to civilian rule indefinitely. During his rule, General Gowan successfully squashed the independence movement in the Eastern Region of Nigeria in what became known as the Biafran War. Some Nigerians are still rather miffed by the whole thing.