Another peculiarity found only amongst Nova Scotians, is that most don’t seem to watch any German television. Mention to them ARD, or even ZDF, and they simply stare at you with blank expressions. With this in mind, it should come as no surprise that my fellow Bluenosers are still in the dark about the German documentary which solved last centuries’ most famous whodunit , namely the John F. Kennedy assassination.

Now, I’m not usually a chap who goes around giving away the endings of films to anyone within earshot. In this case, however, I will veer from the party line and spill the Annapolis Beans.[ If you intend on watching the documentary at a later stage and  don’t want to know the outcome, look away for the next few seconds] . Here is the gist: J.F.K snuffs it and the plotters who plotted the plot were the ……. Cubans. Probably the Cubans, that is. O.K,  it could have been the Cubans. One can’t say for sure.

Within minutes of the film’s airing, there were a flurry of news conferences called. The Mafia indignantly claimed that the Cubans could not assassinate a diuretic Elephant in an outhouse, and that the whole thing was their idea. Meanwhile, the C.I.A. unequivocally stated that the Cuban Secret Service could not even follow the plot of a Gilligan’s Island episode, never mind pulling off such a stunt. Even S.E.T.I. piped in, letting the world know that they had just gotten a telegram from a planet far, far away, which expressed concern about the accuracy of the German film, since it never mentioned their role in the affair.

Nova Scotians could be forgiven for benevolently smiling about all this fuss. It’s not that we are above the whole conspiracy thing. Bluenosers, for example, are still convinced that the only reason our province is devoid of lush grasslands and prairies is because, in the past, a shady deal was struck between Ottawa and Alberta. No, the Kennedy debate seems ludicrous to us only because we know full well that it was our government that orchestrated the hit.

It all started shortly after Kennedy arrived for his state visit to Ottawa in 1961. During one of the official lunches, Canada’s Prime Minister at the time, John Diefenbaker, mentioned that the President was in for a treat, since he was about to enjoy some Nova Scotian clam chowder. According to the records, Kennedy expressed great joy over being served a dish from home state. When, with the help of a CIA fact book, it was pointed out to him that Nova Scotia was actually a part of Canada, he pushed the plate away while mumbling something about “mankind having to put an end to soups like this, or soups like this will put and end to mankind.”

While in Ottawa the incident was dismissed with a few awkward shrugs, here at home former Premier Robert Stanfield immediately called together a secretive group of the hundred leading Nova Scotians (known as ‘them guys’ ) at the Seahorse tavern to discuss the massive slight. Of the one hundred, twenty-three were out bowling, fifteen were in the drunk tank , and three accidentally wound up at the Midtown tavern. Still, the remaining fifty-nine decided that drastic actions had to be taken and ordered the full mobilisation of the Nova Scotian Special Secret Service Sector (NSSSSS).

At the time, the NSSSSS was a small, and highly covert operation. So covert, as a matter of fact, that its only agent – a certain John McTavish from Sydney Mines – was only occasionally aware that he was part of it.  He knew that cheques were coming in on a monthly basis, but could not remember exactly what they were for. Still, when he was ordered to saunter over to Minsk in order to have a chat with a fellow named Lee Harvey Oswald, he shrugged his shoulders, put on his toque and headed East.

Once there, rumour has it, that he met up with Oswald in a local tavern, but found him to be quite mad. Ozzy, a his friends called him, apparently was intent to pop Kennedy with a potato-gun, but was unable to locate one in the Ukraine. McTavish, a quick thinking man, told him that he happened to have a special Nova Scotian model in his suitcase, popped out and bought a rifle from an Italian tourist who just happened to mill about, then went back in and handed it over to Oswald. The rest is l’histoire, as the  Acadians say.

For those doubters out there, who dare to argue that there is not a word of truth in all of this, let me assure them that a German camera crew is already on its way. As you read this, scores of researchers in sandals and socks are pouring over NSSSSS documents and buying cheap islands by the dozens. Sadly, they will not be able to interview Mr. McTavish, who, quite tragically was killed by an American tourist in 1973 while crossing a street in Halifax. 

Frank Streicher is a Halifax based historian, drywall plasterer, and a member of 'them guys' . He can be reached at This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it   or at the Midtown Tavern on a Friday night.